Silver Lining

I was recently called negative, which is apparently a bad thing. It has to be, doesn’t it? Negative is negative, the opposite of positive, negative can’t be good in that case. To be honest, I do hate being a pessimist; putting a black cloud over everything, squeezing it until I extract venom and bile, criticising all that comes before me as if it mattered at all to anyone. In the long run, what does it achieve? It is self-destructing, contributing to all my misery. If I convert to optimism I’d probably be happier, so let’s give it a try.

Leona Lewis
Come now, does it matter that she isn’t anything new?

(Stop myself there. I’m not allowed to say “isn’t” or “not” in any capacity.)

Leona Lewis
She was a normal girl who made it to fame through hard work and determination. At the end of the day, millions upon millions of people PAID to vote for her, which must mean something? If she touches and entertains the public so much that they would gladly pay x amount of money to see her get a record contract she must be good by default. Fact is, she is still making mountains of money, so she is going to last.

Margaret Thatcher
She spent over 10 years in Office as Prime Minister and she didn’t even get beat in a General Election! People complain about her closing the mines, but it is no secret that the mines were hazardous to your health: white finger, bad lounges, danger of the tunnels collapsing, and what about those poor poor canaries? Then she fought and won a war for us! Thank you Thatcher! Economy also came down after she left!

Cock Fighting
It is no different from boxing really, is it? And it is only nature: when two male chickens see each other they fight. Why prevent it?

The Slave Trade
Say what you want about it, but look at all that was created from it. Some pretty kick as music: Blues, Jazz, Soul, Rap, and Rock can all have black origins. The slave trade, and racism in general, has lead to society holding a mirror up to himself and seeing something wrong with it. This is why we have equal rights! For women to! Also, The Black & White Minstrel Show was fucking funny!

Paedophilia
Remember the Gay Rights Movement? This is the same. It is how they were born; they are just naturally attracted to children. In the olden days, people used to get married aged 13, but I guess that was a much more innocent time. If two people love each other we should leave them to it, or if even it is only one person, at least someone is getting happiness from it.

Ian Huntley
The guy could sure as hell dig a hole. I hear he was a great caretaker. And bless, he gets bullied in prison .

Capitalism
No one can deny having money for luxuries is good. I love having money! I love buying myself pretty things! Only in Capitalism can this be possible. And when I spend, I make other people money. When those people make money it trickles down to the workers and they make more money. Then they get to spend it on luxuries to. Everyone benefites!

War In Iraq
There was a threat to the Western world; that where we live! Something had to be done to protect us. The Iraqi people needed our help to. They were stuck in an oppressive country with a cold-blooded ruler who killed them at his will. We want to install a democratic system to save the country from the many many terrorists who are trying to block it.

Domestic Abuse
WOMEN LIKE IT!

Adolf Hitler
What a charismatic man. You may describe some of his policies as a little off but he had all of Germany follow him. Not just Germans, but the Italians and the Fins, and all his other Allies. So what if we had that little disagreement with him, let’s put it behind us and remember him for how inspirational he was. He nearly had us as well, so props to him. And the man had style; Hugo Boss uniforms? Yes sir!

You know what? Fuck it! Optimism doesn’t work because the world isn’t a good fucking place. Call me negative, call me a pessimist, at least you can’t accuse me of ignorance. This society, and all its dark corners, stinks of shit. It takes a first class idiot to ignore it and pretend everything is a-okay. Sugar-coat everything and tell yourself if you smile the bad things will disappear. Smile when it is appropriate; when a child is born, when two lovers kiss, when peace reigns on society, when you are healthy, when you are surrounded by your friends and family – but you sure as hell take that grin off your face when the puss begins to drip into the puddle of muck we stand in.

The Green Green Grass

In the 21^st century where everyone has equal rights (in theory) and democracies like the European Union and the United States pride themselves on a free society it amazes me that uptight hypocrites get their way on the green issue. And I’m not talking about recycling.

It is unbelievable that so many people could be universally wrong on the subject of marijuana. Not just wrong, but outright ignorant. Maybe they are stupid, maybe they just miss the point, maybe they believe their own bullshit, I really don’t know what motivates these people to want weed to be illegal.

At the risk of scaring off anti-weed readers, let’s look at the facts they like to ignore:

1)      Alcohol, nicotine and tobacco are far-and-away more harmful to the human body. So is ibuprofen. Chocolate is for fuck’s sake.

2)      It has undeniable medical purposes.

3)      It is a natural plant that has been used for centuries.

4)      No one has ever died or overdosed using it.

5)      It will always be in use, even illegal it will continue to be circulated on underground markets.

6)      In the event people can’t buy it, they are going to turn elsewhere, which WILL harm them.

7)      Crime rate falls significantly in every area that it is legal.

8)      It enhances creativity. Just ask The Beatles and, erm, EVERY MUSICIAN THAT HAS EVER LIVED!

9)      It relieves stress (obviously, I haven’t used any writing this).

10)   It is non-addictive.

Convinced? Of course not, you’re an ignorant shit, and you likely have some arguments of your own.

A)     It is a gateway drug.

Baffling logic: You legalise this non-fatal, non-addictive, non-harmful drug and eventually you’ll have to legalise cocaine and heroin. There is always one of those stories: my sister’s boyfriend’s friend’s cousin’s son was a good student, and then he started using weed and died of heroin overdose. Yeah, don’t believe you. You find me every similar case in the world and I’ll find you 100 cases of alcohol doing the same thing for each one.

B)      Crime rate will increase.

Weed is currently an underground drug selling on black markets. It funds crime. People are being arrested for possession. That is how it is when it is illegal. You legalise it and regulate it it will no longer be funding crime and users will no longer be arrested for carrying it. Less crime. And if you are thinking users generally commit crimes themselves you are wrong. Cannabis makes you spaced it, it makes you buy snacks, it makes you stare at the pattern of the carpet for an hour, it doesn’t make you hold up a bank.

C)      Everyone will use it, including the children.

You mean like cigarettes and alcohol? Quite frankly, if everyone uses it, good. People could do with a come down every now and then. As it stands now, if kids want it they can get it, so why not regulate it and make it safe? Slap an age restriction if you care so much.

D)     It makes you stupid.

So does day time TV, I don’t see that being made illegal.

E)      It gives you cancer / it is unhealthy.

While I’ll give you one thing, all smoke filling the lungs can result in cancer, but if you want to stop this you’ll have to make bonfires and BBQs illegal as well. Health issues are nonsense, simple as that.

No matter what angle you look at it, it makes no sense for marijuana to be illegal. Zero. How long is it going to take the rest of you to realise this?

Quickie

Just a quick drop in for is just going to be a status update too big for Twitter. (/DanielWalker319 by the way, not like anyone reading this didn’t find it through Twitter anyway).

I have aspirations of getting this semi-big. Enough to pull a Caption Contest out of my arse every now and then and get more than 5 entries at least. Maybe even a few opinion polls here and there. The only way this can happen (as I am a cheapo and refuse to get a proper domain or advertise myself) is for you to tell your friends. Or even if they are not your friends. Just choose a random number in the phonebook and let them know I exist.

In return I am hoping (not promising) to become more active with more varied content. I need to get some reviews done (WTTJ.net gets plugged here),  comment on the news every so often, more Top 5s, less-rants-more-informative pieces. Feel free to send me any other ideas.

Next few blogs I have in mind:

• Wrestling: Why I Like It, Why YOU Should Like It
• MMA vs Wrestling: What A Stupid Rivalry
• Sleepless In Stockton: The Stuff That Goes Through My Mind At Night
• The Green Green Grass: Legalise Weed, Kay?
• Future Shock: I Predict My Life
• THE WORLD’S BIGGEST iTUNES GAME! FEATURING WHY WE USE A SMALL i FOR iTUNES, iPOD, iPHONE, etc.

(Distracted by my mother and aunt talking/shouoting. Why the fuck do they do that? Friendly discussion and they shout over each other? For fucks sake. And they’re still fucking doing it despite aunt saying she had to go 20 minutes ago.)

So yes, feedback, whore my name out, lets get this shit off the ground. YEAH!

P.S. If anyone wants to contribute feel free. walkersthis@gmail.com

Harsh Truths Of Comedy Writing

This one has been on my mind for a while and it is coming from the frustration and anger I get from comedy writing. Not just from my own, but from others. I go onto various websites, like Chortle (cunt-central btw, I’ll get onto that later) and BBC Writer’s Room and find myself slapping myself in the forehand at the pure, unadulterated bullshit. This should be a worth-while read for most budding writers, and one I strongly suggest for the deluded ones who write already.

The big thing is writing these days, and writing a sitcom is the lowest of it for reasons I will mention later, but first I must point out what you are labelling yourself as when you call yourself a “writer” or “comedian”. Baring in mind “comedian” is more a personality trait you are dubbed with in school or in the workplace for being a twat, I’ll leave that, but “writer” is the most worrying. It used to be the case in the 90s that you could walk up to someone at a party and say “Hi, I am a writer.” and expect an easy fondle to follow, but this is the twenty-first century and every fucker with a hand writes. I feel sorry for any girl that gets the “writer” line, because I imagine she’d be instantly bored.

What is the first thing to go through your mind when I say “writer” for example? I see a fat, sweaty saddo who lives with his mother and works with spreadsheets. Certainly the windswept and interesting ideal of writers is gone now that none of them leave their house on weekends. Instead they spend them on Chortle, getting their worked critiqued by other amateurs, which leads me to my next point …

Do you really want to join a group of people that are, more often than not, pretentious, elitist dickheads with delusions of grandeur? The thought of becoming like that actually makes me sick to my stomach, yet you look around you’ll see most writers, especially comedy writers, are exactly like the picture I am painting of you.

To explain those insults, pretentious comes from what they think to be intelligence. To shock the world, reading doesn’t make you intelligent, it only helps. When one takes the writing style of a classic author, e.g. James Joyce, and turns it into a talking style: that isn’t intelligence that is being a cock. It is reading with the intent of trying to look intelligent or learned, which anyone can tell makes you, to use playground vocab, a poser. I don’t know why, but they believe they have to look intelligent to write comedy, and I find something twisted about that. And seeing as I thought that was a cleverly woven link to the next paragraph about the delusion of grandeur …

What I mean is comedy writers think they are great, or, more accurately, they think what they do is great. To put it bluntly, they think comedy writing is “art”, are you fucking kidding?

(SIDE NOTE: This isn’t exclusive to writing though. Quite a lot of things get called “art” to give them some sort of prestige through the cloud of smoke and wank.)

People will argue with this, spouting defences like “comedy is subjective, like art” or “it is the art of making someone laugh”, and all I can say is pffft. If you want to put comedy writing in some sort of boundary, it isn’t art, it is social studies. It is taking an attitude or personality and exploiting it for the benefit of humour and therefore producing entertainment. Fact is, comedy writers are so pathetic they will call it art one minute and smut the next (see Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps).

Cunningly linking us to elitism, but I’ve already wrote an article about that on Chortle HERE, albeit a heavily edited one which the runner of the website clearly disagreed with, proved by his quickness to publish two responses to it and subsequent refusal to publish my response. Check it out anyway, at the risk of giving them hits.

You take all this: the elitism, the pompousness, the pretentiousness, the all-round twatishness, where does it all come from? The desire to succeed, which is the ultimate harsh truth for you budding writers. Maybe it is just that writers are just naive when they start out and grow delusional, I really don’t want to go into a large study about it, but the truth is no, sorry, you are not going to succeed.

All the websites avoid telling you this; they word something like “It is very difficult to make it in the comedy industry, but hardwork and determination will get you there!” If it was up to me I’d publish something more along the lines of “You will fail. Email me if I’m wrong.” and I bet the only emails I get are from people crying and/or complaining and/or selling me Viagra. I would love to write something like “Don’t get me wrong, I do hope someone reading this proves me wrong.” but seeing as about 3 people, give or take, will end up reading this I doubt there is any chance of that happening.

I haven’t counted them up, but I bet there are more people in Britain earning a living on football than there are people making any money at all on their comedy writing. It is just a sad truth and a harsh truth that can be proven by just looking at the facts, but it all boils down to one thing really: Most people don’t succeed because they are not good.

Just look at the internet, there is trash all over. I’ll gladly send you some of my stuff for you to wipe your arse on, they were that bad. People complain about Two Pints but I bet most writers would give their bollocks to have wrote it now, it is simply better than 90% of the stuff I’ve seen on the internet, mainly because the ones that aren’t shit are out performing and trying to get their foot in the door. It isn’t even that the writers themselves are bad, it is because they are writing stuff at, on paper, sounds awful and when performed from paper are worse. I have confused myself with that statement, which is how weird this whole thing is. The formula for writing comedy is so down-trodden and old that it cripples any writer that uses it, and that is why it is an awful thing to write. To be good you need to be excellent, to be better than good you need to somehow break the formula yet make it transferable, which is near impossible.

The saddest thing about this entry is I myself am a comedy writer. I do it sparingly these days, but I did write a sitcom with a friend a couple of years ago. Did I want to make it? Did I think it was good? Yes, of course, I was naive. But really, what was I doing it and why do I keep doing it? Because I enjoyed it.

That is my moral for you: If you enjoy it, do it. Don’t focus on making it. Once you stop enjoying it, all hope is lost. Trust me, I’m there.

After twenty-minutes of masking hope. Hiding behind the conflicting reports it was inevitable. The man, the legend, Michael Jackson has died at the age of 50 following a heart attack.

How I sat where I am sitting now, wishing that TMZ were being sensationalist and LA Times were jumping the gun, but now with all but the hospital confirming it, I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I am faced with the second death of today. The death of a pioneer.

He wasn’t the most popular man. His later years were filled with controversies; accusations paedophilia, criticism of his outlandish behaviour, the horrendous documentary, the notorious court case to which he was found innocent by a jury of his peers, and the unavoidable media piss-takes. He did not leave this Earth as clean as he once was.

I pity you if you cannot mourn Michael Jackson despite all this misfortune and mudslinging. Music as we know it today is because of Michael. As part of The Jackson Five he sung his way into our hearts as young boy, ascending above his brothers and sisters into a solo career with Off The Wall. Later he entered the Billboard Top 100 with Thriller, and stayed there for 80 weeks. Thriller is the biggest selling album of all time with over 100million copies sold.

He was set in American culture from then on. No one was ignorant of the name Michael Jackson. Invitations to the White House, duets with Motown artists whom he himself admired, he even worked with legendary Beatle Paul McCartney, the man was on cloud nine. Shame some people wanted to spoil that for him.

Fame was his illness in the later years. The press turned against him, the people turned against him. That is the sad story of his career. Hopefully he can get some peace now. If Jade Goody can, he can. It is only right.

Make all the jokes you want about paedophilia accusations, his plastic surgery, or anything, it just proves what an utter fuckwit you are. He wasn’t convicted by a jury of his peers, he had a tormented childhood in which he was abused and over-pushed by his parents, he had to put up with all the shit the tabloid press put him through for years, I defy you to put up with that and come out “normal”. Luckily Michael Jackson will be remembered for what he contributed to the music world, not what the “journalists” looking for a quick paycheck wrote about him.

I WILL continue to mourn Michael Jackson because of what he meant to me. One of histories greatest stars, greatest artists, and greatest entertainment figures. Rest In Peace Michael, Rest In Peace.

5 Types Of People I Hate

I normally follow a few motos, like give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and try to get along with everyone until I have a reason not to, but sometimes it is impossible. I have discovered 5 things that will automatically make someone a knob and as such are not worth knowing.

1) Those who are offended by ‘swear’ words.

Swear is in the lil’ 69 because I am not entirely sure what it means. I am assuming it is just a group of words that might offend someone, but who gets offended by words? These people will argue that they weren’t brought-up to use the language (so fuck) and that it shows lack of vocabulary (bullshit). These people are pompous morons. First of all, I don’t care how you were brought up, I am not removing perfectly good English words from my everyday speak. The lack of vocabulary thing is something that is clutched on by idiots who want to win arguments even when they are clearly losing. I have been in one argument were I was listing off facts and logic and the other guy could only answer “No”, not attempting any rebuttal or counter-argument, and when I finally told him to “Fuck off” he claimed he won because I swore, which apparently means I was desperate. No, fuckwit, it means you have annoyed me beyond toleration and I hate you. These words are perfectly acceptable, emotive words, they have a use and they have a place. You can claim all you want about how they are aggressive, but that is fucking obvious, I use them when I want to be aggressive. If you get offended by “Fuck”, “Shit”, “Twat”, “Cunt”, “Dick” or anything in the same vein you are the third one.

2) Those who find casual racism offensive.

Now, let’s get one thing clear, racism is a terrible thing, but what is racism? Racism is the act of discriminating against, acting against, oppressing, or mistreating anyone because of their race. Slavery, holocaust, etc all bad things, kay? But casual racism isn’t that. It is a harmless joke shared between friends. Yes, it is creating humour out of someone’s race, but it isn’t at their expense. Use of casual racism doesn’t mean one is racist, it means one has sense of humour. Anyone who has had a friend that isn’t the same race, as I am sure most people have, no one ever has a problem with it. I know it wouldn’t bother me if I was in a room full of black guys and they made a few casual white-guys-are-so-lame jokes, and if it bothers you you are probably a repressed racist yourself. That, and a cock.

3) Those with “I’ve-Done-That-But-Better” syndrome.

We know one or a few, I am sure. These people will not be topped by anyone if they have anything to do with it. Anything you have done, they have done better, or know someone who has done better. “I went to London last week”, “Oh, I lived in London a few years ago.”; “I was at the football match yesterday”, “Oh, me to, I was in the press box, met some of the players afterwards.”; “I’m going sky-diving”, “Oh, I’ve done that a few times. Scary at first but you get used to it. Bungee jumping is better.”; “I just murdered my entire family”, “Oh, I did that a while ago. Cut them up and ate them. Killed my dog to, and did a shit on the floor as I was leaving.”; You get the picture. It is quite hard to spot, because if someone tops your story when you first meet them it might be a one-off. If after three or four conversations they have topped most if not all of your anecdotes you can safely assume this person is a dickhead.

4) Those against weed, but not alcohol or tobacco.

I understand if you want weed to be illegal IF you also want things like nicotine, tobacco and alcohol to also be illegal, but those types of people are a rarity. It belongs to a wider group of people called “hypocrites” who just think “DRUGS! NO!  NO NO NO!” Alcohol is a drug to, fuckwit. I saw someone drink a cup full of vodka straight and then the next day attempt to scold me because I used weed. Weed is non-addictive, has nowhere near the amount of health risks as aforementioned substances, it is cheaper than them as well, it is pretty fucking hard to overdose on the stuff, it is therapeutic, and the list goes on. There is a reason there isn’t such a thing as ‘marijuana poisoning’ and that you don’t get a hangover from it. No one chain smokes weed, because you get high quickly. There are plenty of bullshit counter-arguments, like those who smoke weed go on to use cocaine and heroin, but I’ve never seen proof of this, all I know I haven’t. I think it speaks volumes that using weed isn’t illegal, just the possession, were as you can be arrested for being overly-drunk. Retards.

5) Those who honestly believe 9/11 conspiracy theories.

I am not going to list those who invest in conspiracy theories in general, because those who think aliens have abducted anyone are quite the laugh, and those who believe the moon landings were faked are many. 9/11 is the only thing I care about because the tin foil hat wearers in this conspiracy are the worst of everything. They are nitpicky, ignoring anything that disproves their bullshit (which is most of it) and/or take things and suggest this proves their bullshit. Reverse science is an annoying tool, because it works; anyone who is dumb and gullible enough will believe the stuff they blurt out about chemicals and engineering. They display the most annoying aspect of elitism in that they prescribe to the view that if you do not agree with them you are an idiot and a sheep. The worst part is that actually believe they are onto something. They, without any sense of doubt, believe they know the truth and everyone else is wrong. It is amazing. It is almost comical at times, but then you are overwhelmed by the idiocy hidden under the pile of garbage that is their logic and reasoning, and you want to lash out and get violent, you really do. Never before have I so proudly labelled a group of people as cunts.

I have left out some general annoying groups such as elitists, hypocrites, Manchester United supporters, nationalists, etc, because some people in these groups are okay, or at least aren’t entirely hateable. The above 5 are the types of people I would avoid at all costs though, because they just aren’t worth associating yourself with.

BB10: I had to say something eventually …

I should stop myself from ever watching Big Brother, but meh, I can’t help it. This year though, I hate all but 4 of them.

Angel – An annoying, intolerable, stereotyped Eastern-European. She reminds me Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchski, but completely real. Oh, and she thinks it is okay for someone to not eat for 3 days. She is an idiot and a good example of why there should be a language test before someone can enter Big Brother (but I guess that would mean a lot of the talentless bints won’t get in either).

Cairon – He looked so promising, then it turns out he is a 5 year-old. Just one of these youths it is painful to watch because they really have no clue. Then he sits in the corner like a grumpy little kid, only to come out when another housemate is being ganged up on by the rest. Poetic justice that the same happened to him.

Charlie – The type a guy who would talk and laugh about anyone not in his scene behind their back. Some you’d avoid at all costs because you know he is a cock and you don’t want to give him the time of day. I’m guessing he is sex predator pretending to be gay, but I have no evidence of that … oh wait, he admitted to have had sex with 106 women (or something like that).

Freddie/Halfwit – Without a doubt the single most punchable person in that house, no contest. Everything about him just screams “massive twat”, and even the way he doesn’t seem to realise it adds to how much I hate him. A spineless cock who runs away and cries at the first sign of danger, unless of course someone is there to help him, in which case he stands behind them and nods his head in agreement, and may put a little comment in as well knowing there is someone protecting him. He had the cheek to say “Well, people will probably not like me because of my background and judge me on that” … no, people will not like you because you a massive cunt.

Karly – One of the blonde ones. A total idiot as you can imagine. Had a little rant in diary room because Marcus said she was only in the house because of her looks … did she not realise? She hasn’t shown an ounce of personality, she isn’t at all entertaining, she definitely hasn’t got much in the mental area, all she has going for her is her looks. She is the typical blonde white girl; a piece of meat is her best description. In fact, if were you Karly, I’d put that on my gravestone.

Kris – Looky, looky, it’s a Topshop dickhead. I bet he gets himself a Topman catalogue and makes sure he dresses exactly like the models in there do. I don’t know why, maybe because he thinks it’s trendy, or maybe because his friends wear it, or maybe because he has no style of personality of his own so has to dress like a cookie-cutter-cock. He is so much without personality that he has desperate tried to latch onto one of the birds to fuck, because that would make it the only reason to keep him in.

Lisa – She is the oldest one. Down-to-Earth, tells it as she sees it, and has something to say. Good. Probably my favourite alongside Marcus.

Marcus – McAwesome. He knows the score, he is a cynical bastard, he doesn’t hide behind anything, says what he feels like saying, and doesn’t care what people think about him. Marcus to win so far.

Noirin – Just a nice girl. I’d like to meet her. A little naive, needs guidance, moans a bit too much, and I wish she would tell Sree to fuck off, but I’ll get to that later.

Rodrigo – A little non-offensive nice guy. There is always one. Can’t really fault him, except that he is a little too quiet. Going by a little exchange he had with Angel, I am fairly sure in a few weeks time he is going to kill everyone in the house while they sleep. He is a little Wolverine.

Siavash – “Oh, look at me, I dress uniquely.” No, more like “Oh, look at me, I am making it easy for you to tell that I am a massive cock.” And no, it isn’t unique. You reckon yourself as a Russell Brand for the Asian community, except that Brand has a distinct personality beyond his style of dress, Siavash on the other hand only has clothes to talk about. He also is pretty sure he can get all the girls, though I bet none of them would touch him with oven mits.

Sophie/Dogface – Another attractive blonde white girl with the personality of a rich tea biscuit. You can tell she doesn’t have anything to offer, because as with Kris she wanted to latch onto the first guy she could, so the love interest was a factor in keeping her in. This little ploy has turned the recent episodes of BB10 into an hour of the two kissing and pretending they can stand each other.

Sree – And now, the winner of the “Most Likely To Be A Rapist” award. He is a massive cunt, a cunt who is trying to hide the fact that he is a massive cunt, but can’t hide how much of a cunt he is, so everyone can tell he is a massive cunt. Playing the whole “I’m Indian, and I’m innocent *coughshagmecough*” card, he makes me want to throw up in one of Siavash’s shoes. His shameless stalking of Noirin should illustrate his personality. “I’m getting married … but I like you. Let me put my arm around you. I will go tell them for you. I’m not trying to get into your pants at all.” He makes things worse for himself when he started an argument based off someone saying ‘mother fucker’, because people who are sensitive to swearing are just cunts, they are just words so don’t try to hide behind all that “I wasn’t raised that way” bullshit because it makes you look more like a cunt. As you can tell, between him and Freddie, I don’t know who I’d kill first left to my own devices. Cunt.

WWE Monday Night RAW (15/06/2009) Review

Exciting times for RAW this week and next (I say exciting …). Of course, this week is “Three-For-All” and will be three hours long, while next week’s will be commercial free. I hear this is because they are being battered by a programme called The Closer in the ratings, and USA Network (the carrier of RAW in America) wants to attract some more viewers. Lots of action tonight though with all three World Titles on the line, a new RAW GM, and something extra with Vince McMahon.

- First thing we are treated to is the best thing on TV, Chris Jericho, scheduled to defend the Intercontinental Title, but before that it is promo time. It is the usual schtick from him really: thesaurus fuelled, calls the audience hypocrites, and … erm … calls them manatees, that’s a new one.

- Intercontinental Title: Chris Jericho vs Rey Mysterio. Rey Rey has come dressed as a Ferrero Rocher for the occasion. Some back and forth, then Jericho tries to de-mask Mysterio again. They have a countdown clock to when the WWE Title match is on, you’d think they’d make it less obvious that this is all scripted and timed out. Now they have a news ticker at the bottom of the screen, why? Lovely suicide dive by Mysterio, he has really had his grove back in 2009. Was Jericho thinking about doing the 619 there? It doesn’t matter, Mysterio hits it instead but blocks the West Coast Pop by trying to take Mysterio’s mask off and hits the Codebreaker for the victory. These two never fail to put on a show, good match as usual.

- Orton interview, he is gonna take back the WWE Title, blah, blah. Then John Cena saves the day. Quote of the night candidate: “Grand Wizard of the baby oil boys club.”

- Holy shit, Vince McMahon has sold Monday Night RAW. It looks like they are pulling something out the bag as well; trying to convince us we won’t have seen it coming. Who could it be? Won’t be Bischoff, won’t be Heyman (how could he have found the money?). Ric Flair is my guess, though Shane McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Shawn Michaels and Triple H are all options as well. It will be announced after the WWE Title match.

- ECW Title: Tommy Dreamer vs Christian. I love Christian’s music, my second favourite after Maryse’s. Sign of the night candidate: Four guys holding up a letter each to spell “PEES”, I’m guessing the guy that was supposed to be holding up the fifth letter went to the bathroom, oh the irony.

(SIDE NOTE: In regards to who Vince sold RAW to, Matt Striker made this comment: “Barack Obama seems to be buying everything else, so why not?” Fuck you.)

Decent match between these two until the finish. Christian jumped off the top rope and blew out his ankle it seems, countered a back suplex by landing on his feet, hurting the ankle further, and then got rolled up. Too short for my liking, but it leaves room for a re-re-re-re-re-match at the next PPV. No Swagger involvement either, which is surprising.

- Thanks WWE, didn’t really want to see pictures of Batista’s arm being operated on while eating a chicken breast, but thanks for the gesture.

- WWE Title: Randy Orton vs Big Show vs John Cena vs Triple H. Not at all interested in this match, in all honesty. Randy Orton is now way too orange to be taken seriously. This match turned out a lot better than I expected it would be. Good finish with Show eating the Pedigree, Cena gets rid of HHH then gives Show the Attitude Adjustment, Orton breaks the pin and gets rid of Cena before giving Show the RKO and getting the win to become new champion. Though, here’s a thought, why? You had Orton lose the title to an injured Batista, had Batista vacate it, only to have Orton win it back? Wouldn’t it have been easier to, I don’t know, NOT had Orton lose to Batista in the first place?

- DONALD TRUMP OWNS MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!!? How the fuck did they get him? I’m confused beyond all belief. Trump announces next week will be commercial free and he will be there personally. Vince also announces a 10-man battle royal to decide who faces Orton at the PPV. Overall, gay.

- Mickie James vs Rosa Mendes. Good, they are letting Rosa wrestle. Not anything to scream about, but ooo I love Maryse.

- I also love Goldust, even more now since he referenced Ahmed Johnson. A lot of people are warming to Miz, but I’m not one of them. I don’t know, I just don’t see anything at all interesting about his character. Yeah, he comes out, says he is awesome, but meh, I could do that. His deliver isn’t even good with it. It isn’t like he is anything at all good in the ring either. Though, using a t-shirt gun to shoot Hornswaggle is a lovely idea.

- World Title: CM Punk vs Edge vs Jeff Hardy. Now that was a great match. PPV quality in fact. Don’t know what happened with the commercial break cutting just as Edge hit Hardy with the Spear. Punk fucks up, doctors are there, Hardy gives Edge the Swanton, Punk pulls him out and gets the pin himself. Epic. Punk’s slow heel turn is looking awesome so far.

- The Hart Dynasty vs The Colons. I bet this would have been a great tag match, which is rare in WWE these days, but Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase had to spoil it with their … I can’t believe I’m going to say this … uber-suckage. Hopefully that expresses how annoying they were. Then if spoiling it for my ears wasn’t bad enough, they spoiled it for my eyes by interfering. I hate them both.

- #1 Contender 10-Man Battle Royal. Why the fuck is MVP wearing a Manchester United shirt? Well, it was just a battle royal, you can’t expect anything amazing. I wanted something a little better than Triple H though. How long can they drag this out. And lovely, Orton/HHH is next week, as well as at The Bash. Come on.

Overall, the best RAW since the draft, but that is probably because it involved the ECW and Smackdown rosters. (7/10)

Love/Hate.net

I don’t think it is a real website, but I haven’t checked. If you get some sort of sadistic German porn website do not blame me. Also, if you are the makers of suck a site, I am happy to add you to the blogroll providing free membership.

…

Anywho, long story short – I hate the Internet.

That’s it.

Go home.

Yes, this is hypocritical of me. After all, I have this blog, a Twitter on the sidebar, am an avid reader of many internet comics, a member of a number of forums, and am never off Facebook. Doesn’t take away from the fact that I hate it. I just also need it and couldn’t live without it. Some things I couldn’t live without though, which is what I hate about the internet; all the things that are useless in the grander scheme of things. Me typing this included (no one if going to read it, are they?)

Twitter is the ultimate waste of time on the internet. It might have a use one day if organisations that don’t get media coverage start using it as a springboard for ideas and news, but until then: Grrrr. Hardcore twitterers (such as Stephen Fry) see it as some sort of back-and-forth to-the-point conversation tool. That might be all well and good for someone popular, but what about me? None of my friends are on it/don’t use it often, and why would they need to? I speak to them in real life. And to be honest, I’m not all that interested in talking to someone I have yet to meet when I am restricted to 140 characters. The word limit itself restricts conversation to either an emotionless drone of information featuring no adverbs, or an annoying paragraph of abbreviated txt spk, or both. I don’t see what enjoyment one could gain from such an activity.

For someone like me, Twitter is reduced to the worst kind of social networking. I follow celebrities to spy on them. That is all. Oh, and use my Twitter exactly like how I use my Facebook status: A short statement to get myself some attention and maybe start a conversation from it, or at least entertain someone who has read it.

Facebook is something I do prefer. As above, I do use my status like that, which is sometimes successful and sometimes not. As well as this status though there is my friends’ individual profiles, a host of photo and video content, and plenty of applications to keep me entertained. Oh, and chat without character limit, of course. It doesn’t change the fact that I hate this as well, I just prefer it to Twitter. I am too addicted to Mob Wars, Mouse Hunt, and Bejewelled Blitz to ever see it go. And hey, lets be honest, I am a bit of a stalker at times ¬_¬.

Social Networking on the whole is a lovely tree with too many rotten twigs. I try to get around this by deviding things up. Facebook is my main site for friends, MySpace has become purely for music with almost zero social networking capitol remaining for me, and Twitter is my celebrity stalk one. And discussion forums, those are to be a twat amongst other twats as we pretend to have “intelligent” discussion.

Moving away from this though, there are other things I hate about the internet:

• Any nutjob can have a say.
• Any nutjob can talk to you.
• Any nutjob can see what you are doing.
• Any nutjob can blah blah blah you get the picture, I hate internet nutjobs.

And you cannot avoid them.

You watch a YouTube video and you accidentally scroll down just to see one comment made you will get some twat scribbling from some twat looking for an argument from some other twat. It could be anything, from a criticism, to irrelevant nonsense, all of which can spark either anger or the emotion that cannot be expressed as anything but *face-palm*. Such emotions make me leave a comment to tell him how much an idiot he is. Now I’m a twat. Thanks very much.

If not that, guarantee someone would have left a “first comment” thing, which is Kung-Fu-straight-punch-to-the-face worthy.

I wish the idiots were restricted to YouTube, but sadly they are everywhere. On Last.fm some guy was writing on the wall of Gallows, telling everyone to stop tagging the band as “Punk”, because he listens to the genre-radio thing on Last.fm and presumably Gallows pop up every now and again to spoil his afternoon of Velvet Underground and Sex Pistols. A few things, first, go buy the music you like and an MP3 player so you can listen to what you want without Gallows, second, Gallows are widely defined as punk, third, but being a complete cunt more people are going to now tag them as punk to spite you. You think people shouldn’t tag inappropriately? No one is complaining that Rick Astly is tagged with ‘Brutal Death Metal’ are they?

I hate this guy even more for a few things I picked up about him. He was literally posting things no later than 20 minutes after someone else had replied to him, as if he wanted to make sure he was there to force his opinion on everyone else, he would have a new multi-word insult for anyone who disagreed with him, such as “Dick sucking mother fucking retarded jerkoff arse licker”, and he would not accept logic or reason. I can assume from this he was a cunt with no life.

Sadly, you meet a lot of these on the net. And they are everywhere. Everywhere you are allowed to post comments unchecked. Discussion boards, Facebook pages, blogs, and of course, Twitter.

That is, ultimately, why I hate the internet. Because of the people who use it. Yes, me. Yes, you. Yes, everyone. I hate you/us all.

DISCLAIMER: I really don’t, but you get my point.

So, I have this PS3 now …

I was cannae late pulling into the Next-Gen lane of gaming. When the X-Box 360 and the Playstation 3 came out I just scratched my balls and shrugged. I sort of wanted one, but I didn’t. It was a case of, look, if you want to give me one I’ll have it, but no way am I buying myself one of those things. I stuck with me PS2 and enjoyed it very much thank you, until last year when I began losing interest in gaming all-together.

By the time I went to Uni, I didn’t have a TV in my new bedroom, so the PS2 remained at home in the loft. My flatmate had a PS3, and another had a 360, but this didn’t bother me. I had a few games with friends throughout the year, and sort of wanted to get into it again, but I wasn’t greatly interested. It dawned on me though that I now have to wait 4 months before starting my second year … what the hell was I going to do? I know … I’LL BUY A PS3!!!

I’ve had it for nearly a week now, and I am right back in my old habit. I’m not addicted to gaming by any means (see, the PS3 doesn’t overheat as long as you don’t play it 12 hours a day), but I am certainly looking to buy more games and play more often.

To make sure this isn’t a flat blog, I’m listing the games I’ve played so far and what I think of them:

UFC Undisputed: Awesome. Simply awesome. Might be the best fighting games I’ve ever played. Physics are top notch, never gets boring. Everything down to the commentary is epic. Will say though: I suck. I made an attempt to go online (lags like hell, btw) to battle humans and got my arsed kicked. I am currently 0-4 against humans. Easily my favourite game.

FIFA 09: I’ve always been a PES man, but the stories rolled in about how improved FIFA was and all that jazz, and hey, it was on sale for a tenner, so I bought it. Fuck me, what the fuck are you reviewers doing? The game sucks balls (pun intended, sorry). It is still just a “look how many tricks I can do” game with absolutely no realism beyond licenses. Sensible Soccer is more realistic for fucksake.

Killzone 2: Oh I hate FPS. I do not get the appeal at all. But they are seen as the main genre in the hardcore gaming world, which is why I probably got it free with my PS3 (oh trust me, I would buy it if it wasn’t offered for free). Killzone 2 is no better. Just another FPS, and therefore shit. I plan on trading it in soon.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Big fan of the series, but Jesus Christ, why did you make Snake old? Oh, and why did you make stealth, the selling point of the game, impossible to do? Not a patch on 1 and 3, might be on par with 2. Lucky I still have Snake Eater somewhere, so I can just replay that. P.S. No one likes Raiden.

S.K.A.T.E 2: How I love skateboarding games. Didn’t play this one for long, but I can see myself getting into it. One thing I don’t like is how they’ve complicated things. To ollie you used to just have to press X, now you have the pull back on the right stick and flick it up … why? What is the Next-Gen’s obsession with the fucking sticks? It seems you can’t play a game properly if you don’t have super-sensitive fingers capable of flicking the sticks in just the right way to do what you want to do it. It is bloody annoying.

Some Sonic Game: It was fun. It was a Sonic game. Same ol’ same ol’, but I’d probably play it a few times.

I want some more games, but they are way too damn expensive. I’d like the new Fight Night, grab some racing games, whatever the latest Tekken is, maybe one of those tennis games, and hey – SingStar and Guitar Hero.